The blog has lain quiet for some time. Not because there hasn’t been anything worth sharing but instead of one part busyness and one part difficult times. The last couple of months have proven to be very busy for me; in fact, much busier than I would have ever had expected in the Peace Corps. Sixty-hour work weeks have taken their toll on me. I am doing what I came here to do, however I have this feeling that I am missing other aspects of why I came. Time is going and now I am left to wonder if I will leave here fulfilled and at peace.
Besides the busy times, I have been struggling with hard times. My service has taken an unexpected turn which has brought on frustration and a feeling of total helplessness. I had to stand aside and watch as a garden fell apart and was abandoned against my will and my best efforts. On top of that, I have had to watch a PC mural project at the school gate become a victim of the elements as a result of vandalism. These are two things that I have to look at every day and for me it is a lot to stomach. It has brought about doubt about my own abilities and has diminished my motivation. It makes it difficult to carry-on when you begin to wonder if the community you’re here to help, supports, appreciates, and in general just cares about your efforts. The realities of development in Africa have just slapped me in the face. There are reasons that I can’t explain, as to why Africa is lagging well behind the rest of the world. However, I still can’t help but feel that I missed a turn somewhere. What could have been done differently?
Despite it all, I am hanging in there and have absolutely no regrets; I am in Africa after all. Development work is a puzzle, and I like puzzles. As ready as I am to strap my skies on again or spend a lazy afternoon at an alpine lake trying to catch a cutthroat, I still have work to do here. I want to at least find that missed turn before my time is up. I honestly don’t even know what that means. But in an attempt to get me back on track I plan on picking up the camera and pen (or in this case, the keyboard) more and remind myself why I came here in the first place. I want to blog more for no one else but myself. Posting my thoughts publicly forces me to look at things in a different way which I think is very beneficial at times like this.
7 comments:
Although it may not mean much, here is my outlook on things - I think that life throws curves at people that are especially strong and can take it. I think that what you are doing is totally admirable. You have dedicated over two years of your life, and if nothing else, all the people here are so proud of you. Everytime anyone asks how you are doing, I feel pride in my heart to tell them. Your time isn't done there yet, and things happen for a reason. You may not realize it yet, but something could happen that will change things.
Mom and Dad says………
It saddens us that you feel as if you have not accomplished what you have set out to do. In life you don’t always see your accomplishments right away. You know and understand that you are in a different world over there. You have changed many life’s, think of the kids that you refer to as your friends and how you look forward to seeing them everyday. Those kids are the future, your goodwill and desire to help will change their outlook on life and the world. You may never know how you being there has changed their lives but someday you may see one of them as the president of Namibia. Wouldn’t that be a great accomplishment?
As for the garden it is too bad that you put all the time and money into a community garden, that the women were so excited and egger to start growing, but could see the time and effort that it would take to make it work. You gave them some knowledge and some day they may look back and say remember that white American kid that showed us how to garden, lets give it a try again.
Keep you head high, look for the turn it may be just around the next corner. You have time, as short as it may be, but even the smallest accomplishments can be a life changing accomplishment in a very short time. You have changed many lives, and it’s sad that the people that you are helping can’t express their appreciation or have the knowledge of the importance to say “Thank You”
We are so proud of you, there are not many people in the world that would give up 2 ½ years of their life, for no monetary compensation, only to give of yourself. That is the most selfless gift that anyone can give.
Focus on the kids, they are the future. The adults that you are trying to help are going to be a little harder since they are already set in their ways.
You asked….. What could have been done differently?
We say NOTHING!!!!!! Your doing a great job
Grant, when we put ourselves at the heart of the world's problems (in your case, development issues in Africa), it's no surprise that we feel a sense of 'helplessness'. I am often overwhelmed at the pessimism of the material I look at daily in sociology. There is no way to overcome it all. However, you very well ought to be proud of your hard work and dedication to your project (60 hrs a week!?!) And I ditto Jenn's comment above, I am so proud to have a friend truly dedicated to his work; things will happen. Look at the trees, not the forest. You may not change Africa in two years, but you will change the lives of many individuals, and that, in turn, can have a very real, global, impact.
Be well my friend! Hope to see you someday soon.
Thanks you all for your support; wise words that certainly help to put things in perspective.
I don't want to send the wrong impression that I am at a total loss and unhappy. I am by no means unhappy. Other aspects of my service have gone very well, like the relationships I have built with some of the learners and with my host family. These two things certainly bring me joy. I did not post in the manner in which I did as a way to gain sympathy; I am not one who thrives on sympathy let alone a lot of attention. I posted because I truly want to give a well-rounded view of what being a PCV is like. It has its ups and downs, as could be expected. But would I be doing it justice if I only posted on the ups? I don't think so.
Its worth reflecting on what could be done differently when things happen less than ideally; that's how we find better solutions to problems. The wheels are still turning and I am coming up with better solutions. Its all part of the process. Africa is a challenge, even to the most seasoned development experts on this planet.
Fair enough :)
Grant, Please be encouraged- you are making a difference! You may never see the fruit, but it is there! These people will remember, and be touched by you! Even working in the states with co-dependent people- it seems at times that we make no difference in their lives as they return to what is normal for them, which is usually not healthy situations- but knowing that someone cares enough to try to help is something that they have in their heart always. Have you thought that maybe they are getting ready to say good-bye to you? It must be hard on them to have you for 2 years and know that you will leave. Just a thought. We are so excited to have you back! You are in our thoughts and prayers always! Love you! Leona
Who could say anything better than Jenn and Mom and Dad? :)
But, Africa is not the only place you will find people who aren't willing to embrace change, especially if it requires hard work! I feel like even folks who live in America and have the world at their finger tips continually let it slip through! And one of my biggest fails is expecting people to have the same pride that I do, and desperately seek the change and right the world like I want.
I too, have a sense of pride that I have a great friend who is making time in his life to HELP people, whether they are ready to embrace it or not.
The truest advice I've ever been given is that no matter what, everyone perceives things differently!
You will also find that in general, it's hard to break old habits, and for you to come and truly change their world means that you are going to find some resistance. Change doesn't happen overnight, or even in 2 years, but if you can plant that seed, and some lasting encouragement, you can accomplish great things!
The mighty oak tree was once just a nut tapped in to the ground!
All the best my friend!
-Krista
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